It's Been A While

It's been a while since I've posted. Mostly because I'm lazy, party because I've been procrastinating like crazy lately. I'm getting to be really bad about procrastinating and it's gotta stop.

The season is quickly approaching. Things are starting to heat up, getting calls, getting things ready. In a month I'll be working. I wish I could say it's been a long winter, but it hasn't. It has gone by too fast. Everything since last August has gone by too fast. I've got to make an effort to try to slow things down and experience life more.

Terri and I have found a church, I hope. We attended the student parish at EMU last week, and then talked to Fr Francis at the church on Monday. It's a nice church, very friendly, and a nice cross section of the area. Plus it's a lot younger group of people, a lot more singing and a happier mass than what we got with my sister-in-law's church. Fr Francis is a nice guy, very open. Unfortunately he'll be leaving the church soon, and I can only hope the new priest will be as nice. The people at the church seem nice as well. Terri knew the woman who teaches adult catechism.

The conversation with the priest went well. Probably better than I expected. I am not sure that Terri will convert, but I hope she'll go to church with me. I'm going to try to drag her to catechism when it starts up in the fall. I could use some refreshment, and she should at least learn a bit more about the church. It also seems as though the path to getting our marriage blessed shouldn't be too hard. Terri will need an anullment, but after that the father said we should be able to do it easily. I am glad, I was disappointed that I didn't get to do in properly in a church.

I am really enjoying the reawakening of my catholic faith. I'm seeing things in new ways, understanding why things are done, discovering things about my faith I didn't know. I wasn't a very good ccd student as a child, that's for sure. I think a lot of it was rebellion from my mother. But she was stubborn and at least managed to drill some of it into me, enough that it stuck and led me back. Thank God for that, and thank God for her. She had her faults, but she certainly did her best for me.

And as I continue on this journey, I've come to see that my upbringing, especially my catholic upbringing, is the basis of who I am, my values, my concept of right and wrong, my belief in God, my conscience, etc. As much as I tried to deny that upbringing, my parents did something right, because that is such a part of me that I can't shake it and I'm learning to embrace it. And I'm positive that that upbringing is why God called me to my wife, and her kids, to help form a family and give those girls a chance in life, a chance at something they wouldn't have without me being here. And that goes for Terri, as well. I truly believe I was meant to be the force to put these girls together and make this family, and that I was able to do it because my childhood, the values my family and the church put in me. And despite the fact I wasn't perfect in it, I think I managed to help Terri create a family structure and give these kids a chance. I hope. And seeing this, realizing this, is very refreshing and illuminating.

I'm starting to scare myself, though, because I'm spending time watching catholic tv and listening to catholic radio. Not in a way that I can't stand the other things offered, but because I want to learn and understand more. It's refreshing, and exciting, and all of this is something I never in my wildest dreams would have thought could happen. If 16 year old Tom could see me now he'd have a heart attack. Too bad.

And I'm not sure if what I'm experiencing is what the evangelicals refer to as being "saved". I don't see bright lights, or angels, or want to speak in tongues. I do feel a great enlightenment in my soul, and excitement that leads me to want more. I don't feel suddenly changed. I don't feel suddenly a better person. I feel like it's the beginning of a great journey, one that I should have been on a while ago, and I'm glad to be on now. I feel like the beginning of understanding. I feel like I'm building faith on top of faith and cultivating my belief. I feel like I've found what I was looking for all those years I wasted trying to understand that evangelical brand of religion, fighting with that whole "saved" idea. I'm glad I realized that it's been the catholic church I've looked for all along, and I can't wait to see where this is going.

I must sound like a nutjob to someone who doesn't believe. I don't feel like a nutjob. I feel good. The last 15 years or so I've worked toward building my own life, my own way. I've willed my business into being, I've dragged myself out of anger and hatred and self pity because of my failure in college. I've found a family, created a home, purchased cars and tvs and couches and all the things an adult is supposed to have. I've got a house with a huge mortgage. I've got a business I pour myself in to. But all along, I've not been satisfied. All along, I've known that I couldn't complete myself, I couldn't be totally happy with these endeavors. Because there was no Faith, there was no God, and my soul was empty because of that. You can buy all the things you want, have all the success, reach goals and achievements you've dreamed of. But the Truth is, without God and Faith in your life, all that will mean nothing. And finding my way back to God and Faith has made all that other stuff pale in comparison. And the joy I have now cannot be found with those other things.

I guess if people really wanted to know why I've started this journey into faith, that right there bottom lines it. If you come to understand that, you win.