Catholicism and Me

So, I’ve gotten a lot of questions about WHY exactly I decided to go back to being a Catholic, what made me decide that. Here’s an attempt at an explanation. WARNING, this sucker is loong! But I hope you read it.

I’ve been searching and trying to figure this religion thing out for quite a while, and usually in my offseason this religion thing really kicks up into gear. I’ve got extra time on my hands, Christmas is right there, and it just comes to the forefront. This year was no different.

Mainly what I have been trying to figure out and have focused my attention to was the evangelical brand of Christian faith, and particularly the idear of ‘being saved’. This particular brand of religion seems very foreign to me, and the whole concept is something I’ve been trying to figure out for quite a while. A large portion of American Christianity is focused around that, and I’ve got friends and extended family that have talked to me for quite a while about these things.

I have been focused on that for so long because it is something I just never understood. Being ‘saved’ has always been explained to me as accepting Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior, and that He died on the cross for our sins. The folks that believe in this always talk about it as a sort of event, something you just realize one day and it’s this great revelation that changes your life.

But to me, as I grew up in the Catholic Church, this idea of Jesus was always the basis of belief and faith. It’s something I’ve believed in as long as I’ve believed in God. That’s the starting point in Catholicism, as I was taught, not a revelation that makes everything new and better. It always seemed to me that I was missing something in that being ‘saved’ brand of religion that they weren’t telling me.

Then there was this other part of that religion that bothered me. The part where these evangelicals seemed to me, at least, to become different people because of being saved. There isn’t an evangelical that I know that doesn’t have some story of God and Jesus and being saved changing their lives. Either helping to solve a vice, or right a wrong in their life, or fix a personal problem, or somehow suddenly made them better. It always seems to me that this being ‘saved’ idear went hand in hand with some kind of fix in their lives, and that God was the one doing the fixing.

Which in it self, isn’t a bad thing. I can’t argue with someone who changes their lives and makes things better for themselves, particularly if it involves finding God and a religion. Who can argue with that? The thing is, though, that’s not why I was looking for a religion. I’m not trying to further my relationship with the Lord to fix some problem I have, or hope that it changes me or takes away a vice. I’m looking for a religion to get closer to God. To understand Him and His message more, and grow as a person spiritually.

The other thing that bothered me was this thing I like to think of as the Christian Zombie Syndrome. These so-called ‘saved’ folks all seemed to have this same mindset. Everything they talked about came back to being ‘saved’. They all wanted to discuss my afterlife and why I was going to go to Hell. They all seemed to share similar viewpoints on certain issues. And it all seemed to be this repeated, regurgitate propaganda. And none of them seemed to have an original thought or idea that wasn’t pre-approved by God. They basically all seemed like Christian Zombies. And frankly, as a thinking person, a logical person, someone who was trained in science and who valued free thought and expression and individuality strongly, this Zombie-ism stuff just isn’t for me. I find it hard to believe that in order to find God you’ve got to be a Zombie and regurgitate the company line all the time. It all reminds me too much of that Star Trek episode where the crew gets brainwashed into a bunch of space hippies by the plant spores and they abandoned the ship. I’m not looking to become a space hippie for God, I want a thinking relationship that doesn’t turn me into a Zombie.

I was raised Catholic. I went to CCD every Monday, went to church every Sunday, our family was very into the faith. My father was a KofC when he was younger, and involved with the church. My mom wanted me to be a priest. Catholicism is the basis of my values, my strong belief in the family structure, and my idea of what is right and wrong. Catholicism is very much a part of me, even when I was not practicing I still felt a bond with the church. I was raised with the presence of God in my family, and my life. He was always there. The reason I started to explore religion again and look for a faith was because as I grew older, and matured, I found that I missed that. I wanted to find a church and a religion because I have a need for God in my life, and I want to continue to grow in my faith as I did when I was younger.

And for me, what I expected from a religion, what I wanted from a religion was to be able to grow with it, to expand my relationship with God. To gradually understand more about God and grow closer to Him. To explore the Bible, to think and debate and reason with my faith. It never seemed ‘right’ to me to have a religion where you make this jump from being a horrible sinner to suddenly pious, telling other people what they should believe. The whole being ‘saved’ thingy always seemed like such a convenient idear, some kind of spiritual reset button. And I just can’t buy into that.

So, about a month ago I’m at this crossroad where I’ve come to the conclusion that the evangelical style of religion isn’t for me. And I’m feeling pretty bad because I’m thinking that I’m missing out somehow on religion, and that I can’t seem to find my place. I had my mind set that I didn’t want to be a catholic, and I couldn’t agree with the being ‘saved’ thing. So I started to discuss my thoughts and feelings in various message boards and places I hang out online. Hoping that somewheres, someone would have something new to say to me, something inspirational, a spark of some sort. And I got exactly that.

I posted a thread talking about my thoughts and feelings on a web board I visit. It’s called Hatrack River, and is run from Orson Scott Card’s website. It’s a pretty intelligent, enlightened board, and has a wide variety of people with a wide variety of ideas. Which is what you need sometimes when you can’t see for yourself. I got a pretty interesting range of responses, and it was encouraging to see that not all people who call themselves Christian thought the same way, and that not all Christians were zombies. I got a nice variety of responses, some ideas, and two replies in particular that got me thinking.

quote:
In Judaism, we don't have the "being saved" thing. We do have "teshuvah", which is repentance. Someone who led a non-observant life and decided to follow a more observant practice is called "baal teshuvah", but this is not usually a big dramatic thing, with attendant miracles. In fact, the change more typically comes on gradually, with the person taking on one commandment, then another (perhaps trying to eat only kosher food, then to observe the Sabbath, then to pray once a day, then three times a day...).

quote:
For me, "practical" Catholicism is very similar to what that describes.


These two responses got me thinking. Not right away. It wasn’t a revelation from out of the sky. It kinda smoldered in me for a few days as I chewed it over. And after a couple days, it became apparent to me that all along what I was looking for in a religion was the Catholic religion. First, because I totally understood what was said about faith being a gradual thing, something that you work on, you grow into, and become closer with. Second, because what was said about Catholicism mirroring these Jewish philosophies in the second quote. It made me think seriously about my Catholic upbringing, and how that was playing into what I was looking for. My understanding of what Catholicism is, at least, is a lifelong religion that you grown into and with and takes you on a journey. The sacraments are spread out so that you experience each one as you grow older, and grow in your faith. That's pretty much what I've been looking for. Not an overnight change, or a convenient restart button, or something to cure me of my vices.

Another issue that struck me particularly was the way God was presented in certain other faiths vs the Catholic faith. Too often I find that the message people put across in their preaching or testimonies revolves around going to Hell or eternal damnation. That God is an angry, vengeful God that will punish you. Almost as if to try to scare me into believing in God. To threaten or punish me with going to Hell for not believing in God. And frankly, that’s not a reason to believe in Him. I grew up in a religion that spoke of God’s love, His forgiveness. God is a loving God, and wants us to love Him in return, as well as each other. It was never about being afraid of Hell or eternal damnation or punishment or vengeance. Say what you will about Catholics, but I was never taught to fear God, but to love Him. Not that He wanted to punish me for sin, but that He loved me despite my sin. And that God forgives, all you have to do is ask. And frankly, I think people often miss His message, Jesus’ message. Loving, forgiving, treating your neighbor as you would be treated. Not judging and damning them for any reason. God is peace and Love. Not damnation and vengeance. And if you need the threat of punishment or damnation in order to believe, then you’re totally missing the message.

As I thought of why I left the church, it seemed more and more like the reasons were more my issues than issues with the faith. Of course there’s the standard reasons why people leave the church, the conservatism, the problems with the priesthood and that structure. All the rules, whatever. But as I examined myself, I found that why I stopped going was because of MY issues. And mostly, because of my immaturity. I always hated having to go to church every Sunday. I hated that our Sundays were wasted because my father could never get out of bed early to go to church. I hated the rituals in the church. The stand up, sit down, kneel, etc. Things I disliked because I didn’t understand them, and wasn’t patient enough to bother understanding. I stopped going in high school because I was working, and doing my own thing. Religion became less important as I found new things and explored the world. I got wrapped up with my shortsighted issues and wasn’t seeing the bigger picture. I got to college, and away from my family, where no one expected you to do anything more than sleep off a hangover on Sunday morning and it was like a new freedom to me. I just didn’t want to go to church. And I came to blame that on the Catholic church, instead of understanding what I was really doing.

I always felt that someday I’d find my way back to a religion and God. For a long time I wasn’t in the right frame of mind. In my 20s I was way too fucked up and angry to begin to try to understand my faith. My thoughts of religion and God started up about 7 years ago or so, when I finally started to get settled and calmed down. When I found my family, when I started thinking of the big picture again. I almost made this decision a few years back when my wife was pregnant and I faced the prospect of having to raise a child with a faith. I think that now it’s just the right time for me, that I’ve finally come full circle and need to re-establish my relationship with God and the Church. And I think that this decision is just the right one for me.

When it comes down to it, apparently I was made to be a catholic and I don’t feel right in any other religion. I might still have my problems with some of the church, and I don’t have to agree with everything in the church. But it fits me more than any other faith, and I feel that it’s probably far better to be involved with a faith and exploring my relationship with God rather than sitting in limbo and not doing anything like I have been doing.

Finally, you’re certainly welcome to disagree with me, and to hold a different opinion. Frankly, I don’t think that there is ONE answer to the religion question for everyone. I think we all search for different things in a religion, we all need our God to have different faces. What’s right for you doesn’t have to be right for me, and vice versa. I think as long as you’re getting closer to God and UNDERSTANDING His message, it doesn’t matter what label you throw on it.

Stuff

I'm not very good at naming these updates.

More Snow on Sunday! This time I almost missed it. I went to bed at 6am on Sunday morning we didn't have enough snow for us to go out. Somehow by 10am there was another 1/2 inch or so out there so out we went. I'm not complaining, I love having the work to do. But it forced me once again to miss another workout. Then on Sunday night I had to do signs until 3am. Talk about a long day.

Warm weather on tap for this week means all that snow we got last week will be melted shortly. That's too bad, I was enjoying the cold temps and snow on the ground. I've really come to enjoy winters in Michigan in the last few years. I can't imagine living in a warm weather state where you never get a season change. I think that without the season break, the reset we get every year with everything dying out and coming back to life the year would get boring and monotonous. I kinda like getting out in the snow and cold and toughing it out. Builds character, and puts hair on your chest as my sister used to say.

With the warmer weather I'll at least be able to get out and get some work done on repairing and painting my #1 lawn mower, though. That project stalled after Christmas when the cold weather set in to begin with.

I'm going to church with my sister on Weds in Saginaw. It's ash Wednesday and the start of Lent. I'd like to be able to go to confession first, but we'll see what happens. It's a start. I've got a choice of about 3 or 4 catholic churches here in the area to pick from. I'd like to go with one that's out here by me. My sister-in-law goes to one down town, but I'm not real hip on that one because of the parking and location. I need to do some one on one's with the priests to get a feeling for the churches and the congregations.

I've been thinking of getting a tattoo. Either an old english D, a la the Detroit Tigers, or a Batman crest. The Batman because I've always been a Batman fan. I'd like it to be a unique crest though, not the standard black on yellow. The D because of my love for this area, for Detroit, for Michigan, and the sports teams here in the area. I really do enjoy living in the Metro Detroit area, there's an attitude that goes with living around here and it fits me. One part working class, one part toughness, one part local loyalty. I think even if I move away from here at some point, I'll always carry that Detroit love with me.

The problem I have now is working my way up to actually going to get the tat done. The problem I have, I've always had with tattoos is the permanency of the whole thing. It's there forever, you're stuck with it. And I'm a chicken when it comes to that stuff. My wife, of course is all for it. She's been trying to get me to do one for years.

We saw Ghost Rider today. It reminded me of Spawn, story wise. It was a good movie, lots of action and good effects, but not real involved. I often wonder if all the good stories have already been done. Nicolas Cage has become a shadow of his former self, acting wise. All Nic Cage can act now is Nic Cage.

I have to come up with something to give up for Lent. I already gave up fast food for a new year's resolution. (The fast food thing came from a Lent sacrifice, btw) I can't do chocolate, I'd die without chocolate. Soda pop is an option, but I'm not likely to stay with that one. I need something I really enjoy, a good sacrifice. Maybe I'll give up subway.

Long Week

It's been a long week. The snow on Tues/Weds had me out all day on Valentine's Day, and some of Thursday as well. Not to mention it put an ass whoopin' on me. I was very sore on Thursday and Friday, and tired. Clearing took a while too, because of how much we got. It was, in general, a very exhausting few days. But at least we got some snow and I got to go out and work. Can't really complain.

Because of the snow clearing I only got in 1 workout. Doing 13 hours of snow is a huge workout in itself. But I don't think that kind of work is exactly doing any good for lean muscle building, even if I did burn a ton of calories.

I'm not sure my if my shop kitties made use of the little box I made for them. I was afraid that they didn't make it through the storm, but both my black cat and grey cat have shown up for their food so they must be making it somehow. I just hope they don't have more cats and perpetuate the problem. If they have kittens, I might try to catch them and take them to a farm or shelter, or even bring them home to live outdoors here.

The new big buzz is about Brittney Spears and her shaved head. Being a shaved head man myself, I kinda like the way it looks. Bald chicks aren't so bad, I think it's underrated.

I miss Chi Chi's restaurants. The last few years of their existance the quality was crap, but in it's prime it was a good restaurant chain. We went to a local Mexican place tonight and it just wasn't the same. I miss the old Chi Chis. I get tired of the same old same old restaurant chains and cookie cutter Applebee's or Outback or whatever.

Still no fast food. Not really missing it either.